We’re going to Toronto!!!!

Good evening, you leaf-loving hippies.

I have an important announcement to make, but before I make it I’d like to post an excerpt from the last paper I wrote at college:

Canada: America’s Non-Threatening Wingman

by Raphael “Raizin” Bob-Waksberg

Canada is a country in the Western hemisphere.* Canada is the second largest country in the world.** Canada was discovered by Queen Elizabeth II on July 1, 1867 and then again on August 17, 1982.*** That’s my birthday! I have the same birthday as Canada!

Canada is very cold. Canada has many exports. Did you know that one time an explorer went into the Yukon and then he died?****

But don’t be scared! Canada is great, even if everything costs a few dollars more***** and everyone is really into Mike Myers there. Like really into Mike Myers. Scary into Mike Myers.****** They also like Rick Moranis there.******* They don’t like Celine Dion, but they have to pretend to, or they’ll lose their visas, eh?

Everyone in Canada is very polite. In the province of Quebec (“provinces” are like states, but they didn’t want it to seem like they were copying us, so they call them “provinces”) everyone speaks French.******** This is because the rest of the Canadians are too polite to say, “You guys are being weird. Cut it out.” Everyone else speaks Canadian English, which sounds kind of like aliens trying to speak American English and trying just a little too hard.

Canadians love hockey and maple syrup, which are great separately, but together can be very dangerous.********* They also have free health care for everyone, which I could really use right now.*********

In conclusion, Canada is great (if a little boring)!
* A Child’s First Book of Maps
** Ibid. (and a ruler)
*** Wikipedia
**** London, Jack, “To Build A Fire”
***** Davis Jr., Sammy, Yes, I Can! The Sammy Davis Jr. Story (The price listing on the back cover)
****** This guy I met once while waiting in line for the bathroom at IHOP (In Canada, they call lines “queues”)
******* Just an educated guess
******** Amelie
********* My own experiments
********** The hospital bill from the fallout of my experiments

Why do I bring this up? Because in two months, Olde English is heading north for the 2006 Toronto Sketch Comedy Festival. Hurray! We’ll provide you with more information as it develops, but for now, save the date:

Thursday November 16
10:30 PM
The Gladstone Hotel,

16 Comments on “We’re going to Toronto!!!!”

  1. J-R Says:

    Hey I’m from Quebec hahaha, biiiiig fan of yours by the way (I plan to buy the poster when it’s available…)

    I’d say the “weird” thing is pretty accurate but it’s a pretty simple way to resume the whoooooole fucking problem that is dividing Canada since like 35 years…

    Anyway, that was a pretty way to sum up Canada I think haha!

    Keep up the good work, you guuuuuys areeeee em… great! yeah great!

  2. J-R Says:

    Oh fuuuuck, Toronto is like 7-8h away from my place, I dont have a car and fuuuuck!

    Man I really plan to get to see you one day, that would be really great, anyways, like I said above, keep up the good work guys!

  3. cap'n steve Says:

    i love it! great paper! good job citing your sources.
    my friend carson and i have a plan to take a road trip to canada.
    our plan is about three years behind your schedule, i guess.
    anywho have fun!

  4. Brent Says:

    If only I was a Torontonian.

  5. Potato Says:

    Dude, when I read this they started talking about Canada on the radio.

    ANYWAYS Raizin I bet you got an A+ on that paper.

  6. kevin Says:

    don’t be afraid to go 100 on the highway. also, it may get down to 7 degrees at night! canada is crazy!

  7. Mattie G Says:

    Also a canadian, and i MAY be in Toronto that weekend! WOOO

  8. Viki Says:

    My vote? Come east to Halifax and do a show. You’d be a HUGE hit here – I personally know at least 50 people who’d go.
    – Viki

  9. L Says:

    As far as I can tell, none of the Canadians who have posted above are from Toronto. As a Torontonian, I regret to inform you that these non-Torontonian Canadians do not actually exist, or maybe they do, but they’re more like dogs or cats rather than human beings. (This is why the rest of the Canada hates Toronto. But we don’t care, because we can’t hear their bitching.)

  10. Kyle Says:

    Oh my God! That made me laugh harder than any other blog post I’ve seen. Especially the sources. Queen Elizabeth discovered Canada* *Wikipedia. That’s great stuff. Oh and when you go to Toronto, be wary. The rest of Canada is not nearly as arrogant.

  11. Tal Says:

    This is the best news ever.

    See you guys on the 16th!

  12. Paul - Boiled Wieners Says:

    Can’t wait to see you cats here in Toronto for the Sketchfest! Anyone reading this blog knows OE are worth the trip, but check out the kick-pants line-up for the rest of the festival if you need a little nudge!


  13. sweet and tender hooligan Says:

    Ironically I will be in Toronto too, my first trip there ever, but not until Nov. 17th. Good going guys!

  14. Jer Says:

    Just wanted to say, I’m from Montreal and true there is a lot of French here in Quebec, but really it’s there so we can make fun of others. It’s kinda like how my Bubby uses Hungarian to make fun of people. If I could come into Toronto it would be so cool. You guys should really come to Montreal, it’s fun, you can underage drink in your 20’s and many more things!

  15. Emma Says:

    ha ha ur so wrong about as but its ok cause even canadians make fun of canadians lol just not in such an america minded way

  16. Dean Says:

    Wow, I was so surprised when I looked at your bibliography and saw To Build a Fire, I’ve read that short story….in school, mind you, but I actually know what you’re talking about…